Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize