I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
