This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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