Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
