just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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