The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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