I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
