i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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