Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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