I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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