Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
