do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
