we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
