when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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