She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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