and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
