you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
