she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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