After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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