she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The Olympian is in my bed
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
