Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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