Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
