I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
