i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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