My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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