You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
