You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
