if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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