I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
