You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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