Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
