Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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