i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
