So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
