walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize