I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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