Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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