We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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