I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
