Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
