life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize