I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
