think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
