just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
