I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
