That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
