we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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