She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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