VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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