I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
