shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize