I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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