He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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