someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
