How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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