I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My balls are so social today.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Everclear isn't food dammit
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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