If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize