he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize