question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
