yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
