dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
