Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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