I cannot find my penis.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
