she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
