I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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