Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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