I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
